General Update

We'll start on a negative note.....

I don't really want the answer to this but I do need to ask...what the hell is up with all my browser issues?  If my blog is hosted on Google and I try to log in using Chrome, shouldn't I have a great experience?  The answer, to me, is yes, to my computer, is apparently different.  To my smug as hell Mac friends, shut it.  I love my Google and my PC.  I shun your Mac and Firefox....However, on my marketing travels I have come to learn that certain platforms "like" certain" browsers, so I have found it necessary to become familiar with all of the popular browsers, despite my opinions.  I honestly know that IE is widely out of favor, but I hate change.  I tried Chrome, and got used to many of the features only to find that many sites "liked" Firefox.  Well guess what, I don't.  Well guess what else, I don't count for jack squat.  I have all three browsers loaded on both of my laptops and I get to constantly struggle to learn who likes what.  Hey internet, how about thinking about what Suzanne likes for a change??  My children have clearly influenced the internet because it listens no more than them.

From www.sdmomfia.com - Life in a Blender

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If you read the launch column on April 25th, you know I have a positive take on the blended family, even though they are challenging.  The point in creating this series is to offer positive solutions, alternatives and resourceful thinking to people in blended families.  Think about it, do you know anyone that does not have some aspect of a blended family in their lives?  Off the top of my head I cannot think of a single family I know who does not have a divorce or a step kid, parent somewhere in the mix.  Are they as complex as mine, mostly no, but blended families happen all the time.  We might as well make the best of it.

So let’s start from the beginning.  My parents split when I was about ten.  They were mostly a good example of how to co-parent.  Newly split parents read this twice.  They never bad mouthed the other, and they could have and they probably should have, but they didn’t because they knew it would be hurtful to me.  The ex may be a gigantic idiot, it doesn’t help your kids to have that told to them.   Your kids want to feel loyal to both parents and it’s not their fault you could not make it work.  Don’t make it their burden to try and feel loyal to both of you when you give them reasons not to.   Mind you, your ex might be a total dingleberry, but that is not your kids’ burden, that’s your bad choice.  We all make them.

When my parents split my mom left me with my Dad.  There were good reasons for this, no need to discuss here.  I’m sure it was hard for her to do this, but it was the right thing at the time.  By the time I was about 13 my Dad and I were really butting heads.  In a genius and selfless act my Dad moved out of the house and my Mom moved in the same weekend.   I have no idea how they pulled this off financially, but it allowed me to have my Mom back when she was more equipped to deal with me and my Dad got some freedom in the bargain.  Most importantly it allowed me to have stability with school and the same neighbors I had grown up with.  I have never heard of another family where parents did this.  I thought it was cool at the time, but I didn’t get the depth of love this took at the time.  They put me first.  You’ll find this as a recurring theme in the blog, the kids simply come first.

When my parents were single it was easier.  My Dad dated a totally fun lady once, but she had an annoying younger daughter and she lived at the beach and there were lots of bugs.  My Mom dated and eventually married a great man.  We butted heads at times, but not often.  Dad landed a great woman as well, though I didn’t always think so…

So now let’s get to the Step Mother.  Now, I am a Step Mother, so I’ve seen both sides.  Dad married Sandee 25 years ago this year.  Sandee was then and is now a vivacious, spirited, cute, generous and kind woman.   I adore her these days.

She met me when I was 13, angry, in junior high, enough said.  I don’t think at that point in time that any woman would have been a welcomed addition in my life.  And live and learn comes to mind here.  I took many things she said personally and I think she did the same.  Her daughter would be introduced as “our” daughter and I would be introduced as Jim’s daughter.  I took that as a sign of rejection.  I would introduce my Dad as my Dad, and then say, and this is Sandee.  Sandee took that as a lack of acknowledgment of her being my Step Mom.

I suspect both of us were innocent in our words.  Sandee likely didn’t want to say she was my mom because that would be rude to my Mom.  Introducing Sandee as Sandee for me, didn’t feel like I was disrespecting her, but in her mind it did.  Years later I get all of this. I’m not sure what might have made this situation better. There were so many hurtful things, family therapy, attempts to bond.  As a teenager, I’m just not sure I had the maturity to do this, and I was genuinely hurt by the fact that they had their great family and I was the outsider.

And by the way, don’t think I couldn’t write twice as many blogs about the crappy aspects of stepfamilies!  I’m no Pollyanna, that’s for sure!  Hang in there blenders!

A Breakthrough Day

Sometimes you just never know what your day will behold.  Maybe that is what gets us out of bed in the morning, or, keeps you hiding under the covers.  I suppose it goes both ways depending on the day.  I certainly didn't know my day would turn out the way it did.

I know how my day ended yesterday....another night of not being able to sleep, indulgence of all the wrong kinds and general stress.

Turns out, I got off easy in some regards.  I had something taken off my plate that I should probably have given up myself previously.  But if you know me, I gotta do it all, and perfectly.  Where the hell did I get this perfect gene?  Have you met my parents??  Sorry Dad.  Don't worry, he will laugh.  So that was a blessing even though I will miss the tasks and interaction.  Truly, a blessing, despite the things I will miss dearly.  But, no bridges burned, and you never know what the future brings.

Next on the agenda.  I had all but decided, despite all of the blog comments I received, that I was not attending graduation.  I really just want to spend the time with my Dad.  I knew I could win this battle relatively easy.  I knew.  When Donald graduated it was a day long experience, culminating in seeing him walk over a stage from at least 100 yards away, with kids who were not pleased to be attending.  This was my out.  My youngest was not pleased with that day.  She is 11 now, 8 then.  I knew I could win this fight using her to my advantage.  So the other night Donald and I were discussing graduation and I was expressing my DEMAND not to attend and he was explaining why I needed to go.  So the youngest was in the room, and I decided to make my move.  I said, "Haley, do you recall Donald's graduation that took forever and we could barely see him and the day was nice, but you hated it"?  She sort of agreed without committing.   I think Donald may have gotten to her.  Damn him.  So I continued, "and remember you were so bored all day, and that is exactly what will happen at my graduation, so don't you think we should just skip and spend the day with Papa and Nana?"  And that little traitor said, "NO, isn't that kind of important to go to?"  UUUGGGHHHHH.  I guess my constant dialogue of get your degree, get your degree, get your degree has resonated with at least one of them, and damned if it wasn't the one I pinned my plan of attack on.  

I decided today to attend, I ordered my tickets, arranged extra tickets and ordered my cap and gown.  I will try not to grumble too much. 

So I got a lot of other stuff done, as I do in a normal day.  I had retreated to my new spot on the patio to work on the paper I have due on Saturday (that I have not started).  It was about 6:30 PM.  Donald was yelling at me to come out front so I went to the front door to explain that I would not be coming out because I was not dressed or showered.  I work at home, back off!   He yelled back that the feral kittens were living under the deck of our neighbor across the street.  If you don't read my blog, you don't know about the cats.  Long story.  One Mama cat had kittens about 3.6 weeks ago as far as I can tell.   OK, kittens, I'm in, shower, no shower, etc.  I'm such a sucker for animals in need.  So we caught 3 kittens, and no it wasn't easy.  I took 2 trips to the pet store, they are not weaned, and don't get me started on the other stuff.  I will tame them and find them good homes.

I never did work on the paper, but I snuggled kittens (which is way better).  You never know what your day might bring.  Today turned out pretty good.

Life in a Blender

I’ve been kicking around launching a blog series on life in a blended family for quite some time. As a matter of fact, when I went back to school in February of 2009, my very first class was a writing and research class and I wrote a research paper on step families and strategies for success. I caught the writing bug and launched my blog shortly after that, but I have yet to discuss much of my experience in a blended family…until now.
Although I lack a degree in psychology, I did take some classes back in the day. What I think makes me as qualified as any PhD is my life experience. I am a step kid, I have step siblings, I have had step parents since I was 14, I have a step daughter, a step son from my ex husband who is not technically my step son these days, but I love him just as much. My kids are step kids, they have a half brother and step sister and their step sister has a half brother. I am a second wife and my husband is a third husband. Throw in some surrogacy and adoption on my current husband’s side and I think I am ever so qualified to write about this. I’ll get into specifics in future posts.
As I launch this series, it is important to know that although our situation seems like a scattered mess in many regards if you read the above paragraph, we really do have common goals in raising our blended families. We have strong communication, we genuinely like, and respect our exes and we all get that this is about the kids and not our failed relationships. That being said, oh we have had our challenges. Every one of us. What we have now is the result of years of struggling, trial and error and doing the best we could for our kids. I believe I have the objectivity to write about these very personal issues with compassion while giving hope to some who may be struggling with what I have dealt with.

Even though this is the first in this series and introductory in nature, I think it is important you know more about my current situation. I am married to a wonderful man with a 13 year old daughter he shares custody with his ex. My daughters are 14 and 11 and I too share custody. The father of my daughters has a 19 year old son that I still consider my own. His father and I spent years fighting for visitation while his mother broke many laws, yet we lost in court over and over. All things considered we have fantastic kids. All sports and activity oriented, all goal planners, great grades, community and church involvement….can’t ask for much more.
What will be interesting about this series is what has happened before today that got us here. Blended families have unreasonable challenges. A higher divorce rate, the exes, money and child support issues, my kid is perfect and yours sucks, why can’t my kid get along with your kids, why do you always take your kids’ side?? We fight. If you are in a blended family, you do to. We do to this day, but less and less. I think I can help. Blended families are hard. There is help.

Log on to http://www.sdmomfia.com/ every two weeks to read more of Life in a Blender.