I just watched a news story about "Mommy Thumb". This is a tragic (read sarcasm) condition that can occur when new mothers lift their children. Think about when you lift a baby or toddler, thumbs under the arms and lift, right? The news actually interviewed mothers that reportedly have this disabling ailment. Apparently this is so prevalent it has now become newsworthy, or maybe it was just a super slow news day. Are you kidding me? When exactly did we all become such a bunch of wusses? Did these women forget about giving birth? Mommy Thumb, seriously?? Did you forget that your butt is now an inch or more lower than it was, or that parts of you expanded far beyond reason to accommodate that baby? Your complaint is about your thumb?
So Mom's of babies beware. Your baby is just a few months old and has already put your body through that fun experience, and now you can look forward to Mommy Thumb. I'm afraid I have more bad news, and you may not see any of this on the news.
You can look forward to most if not all of the following ailments:
I like to call this one, "Blurt Mouth". This is an unfortunate condition that many toddler/preschool age children come down with. It causes in Mothers what I call "Red Face". Blurt Mouth shows up with no particular warning. A typical occurrence consists of your precious child yelling out something along the lines of, "Look Mommy, that man is so fat" in a quiet restaurant. Now if it wasn't true, it would not cause Mother's "Red Face", but since it is true, you have just come down with a case of it. Another example, you are in a bathroom stall with your three year old. It's large bathroom, but it appears you are sharing it with only one other person who is clearly experiencing some loud digestive problems. Instead of taking care of business, your three year old continues asking loudly, "WHAT is THAT noise mommy?" Unfortunately there is a no cure for Blurt Mouth and it can occur later in life as well. An example of a later in life episode would be when your 10 year old incessantly asks the man driving the shuttle bus at the airport what happened to his clearly deformed arm that he is trying to hide while simultaneously ignoring your sweet child who is just out of your reach and not looking at your horrified face while having their Blurt Mouth episode. The only know cure for Red Face is to leave the scene of the crime, but the scars never go away.
Another one that you'll certainly catch is "A Dose of Your Own Medicine". This one happens when your child catches a slight variation of Blurt Mouth and loudly explains how they are punished or at least threatened to be, in public. An example, your sweet four year old is pestering the living heck out of you in the department store dressing room. You beg for silence even though this is a ridiculous request to be taken seriously by this ailing child. Your child then loudly asks, "or what, you'll duct tape my mouth and hang me up on the wall?" You have just been given "A Dose of Your Own Medicine". You never meant it when you said you would duct tape them, but it doesn't matter. Blurt Mouth gives these children an uncanny ability to say the things you would least like a stranger to hear. The only cure for this one is to not make silly punishment threats, and we know that is impossible.
Another one that you will surely come across is "Twitch Eye" This is probably the most common mommy complaint. Twitch Eye can happen when your kids are any age and basically it is just what it sounds like, a twitch, in your eye. My first encounter with Twitch Eye was while driving my mini van when my oldest daughter was about four. My Grandmother was with us, while driving. My daughter was being a pill and I told her she needed to knock it off or I'd pull the car over and spank her. (See above ailment, it is just not possible to stop making those punishment threats). She proceeded to offend and I said nothing. Then in a cruel twist of Blurt Mouth combined with A Dose of Your Own Medicine, she said, "Aren't you going to pull the car over and spank me now Mommy?" Twitch eye has unfortunate side effects such as making you want to drive the car off the road or perhaps ground the offender for an extended time frame for their own safety.
I could go on, and I will in a later post. For now, new Moms beware. The worst has yet to come!
By the way, I am not making any of this up. I currently have, or have had every one of these ailments.
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