A Breakthrough Day

Sometimes you just never know what your day will behold.  Maybe that is what gets us out of bed in the morning, or, keeps you hiding under the covers.  I suppose it goes both ways depending on the day.  I certainly didn't know my day would turn out the way it did.

I know how my day ended yesterday....another night of not being able to sleep, indulgence of all the wrong kinds and general stress.

Turns out, I got off easy in some regards.  I had something taken off my plate that I should probably have given up myself previously.  But if you know me, I gotta do it all, and perfectly.  Where the hell did I get this perfect gene?  Have you met my parents??  Sorry Dad.  Don't worry, he will laugh.  So that was a blessing even though I will miss the tasks and interaction.  Truly, a blessing, despite the things I will miss dearly.  But, no bridges burned, and you never know what the future brings.

Next on the agenda.  I had all but decided, despite all of the blog comments I received, that I was not attending graduation.  I really just want to spend the time with my Dad.  I knew I could win this battle relatively easy.  I knew.  When Donald graduated it was a day long experience, culminating in seeing him walk over a stage from at least 100 yards away, with kids who were not pleased to be attending.  This was my out.  My youngest was not pleased with that day.  She is 11 now, 8 then.  I knew I could win this fight using her to my advantage.  So the other night Donald and I were discussing graduation and I was expressing my DEMAND not to attend and he was explaining why I needed to go.  So the youngest was in the room, and I decided to make my move.  I said, "Haley, do you recall Donald's graduation that took forever and we could barely see him and the day was nice, but you hated it"?  She sort of agreed without committing.   I think Donald may have gotten to her.  Damn him.  So I continued, "and remember you were so bored all day, and that is exactly what will happen at my graduation, so don't you think we should just skip and spend the day with Papa and Nana?"  And that little traitor said, "NO, isn't that kind of important to go to?"  UUUGGGHHHHH.  I guess my constant dialogue of get your degree, get your degree, get your degree has resonated with at least one of them, and damned if it wasn't the one I pinned my plan of attack on.  

I decided today to attend, I ordered my tickets, arranged extra tickets and ordered my cap and gown.  I will try not to grumble too much. 

So I got a lot of other stuff done, as I do in a normal day.  I had retreated to my new spot on the patio to work on the paper I have due on Saturday (that I have not started).  It was about 6:30 PM.  Donald was yelling at me to come out front so I went to the front door to explain that I would not be coming out because I was not dressed or showered.  I work at home, back off!   He yelled back that the feral kittens were living under the deck of our neighbor across the street.  If you don't read my blog, you don't know about the cats.  Long story.  One Mama cat had kittens about 3.6 weeks ago as far as I can tell.   OK, kittens, I'm in, shower, no shower, etc.  I'm such a sucker for animals in need.  So we caught 3 kittens, and no it wasn't easy.  I took 2 trips to the pet store, they are not weaned, and don't get me started on the other stuff.  I will tame them and find them good homes.

I never did work on the paper, but I snuggled kittens (which is way better).  You never know what your day might bring.  Today turned out pretty good.

Life in a Blender

I’ve been kicking around launching a blog series on life in a blended family for quite some time. As a matter of fact, when I went back to school in February of 2009, my very first class was a writing and research class and I wrote a research paper on step families and strategies for success. I caught the writing bug and launched my blog shortly after that, but I have yet to discuss much of my experience in a blended family…until now.
Although I lack a degree in psychology, I did take some classes back in the day. What I think makes me as qualified as any PhD is my life experience. I am a step kid, I have step siblings, I have had step parents since I was 14, I have a step daughter, a step son from my ex husband who is not technically my step son these days, but I love him just as much. My kids are step kids, they have a half brother and step sister and their step sister has a half brother. I am a second wife and my husband is a third husband. Throw in some surrogacy and adoption on my current husband’s side and I think I am ever so qualified to write about this. I’ll get into specifics in future posts.
As I launch this series, it is important to know that although our situation seems like a scattered mess in many regards if you read the above paragraph, we really do have common goals in raising our blended families. We have strong communication, we genuinely like, and respect our exes and we all get that this is about the kids and not our failed relationships. That being said, oh we have had our challenges. Every one of us. What we have now is the result of years of struggling, trial and error and doing the best we could for our kids. I believe I have the objectivity to write about these very personal issues with compassion while giving hope to some who may be struggling with what I have dealt with.

Even though this is the first in this series and introductory in nature, I think it is important you know more about my current situation. I am married to a wonderful man with a 13 year old daughter he shares custody with his ex. My daughters are 14 and 11 and I too share custody. The father of my daughters has a 19 year old son that I still consider my own. His father and I spent years fighting for visitation while his mother broke many laws, yet we lost in court over and over. All things considered we have fantastic kids. All sports and activity oriented, all goal planners, great grades, community and church involvement….can’t ask for much more.
What will be interesting about this series is what has happened before today that got us here. Blended families have unreasonable challenges. A higher divorce rate, the exes, money and child support issues, my kid is perfect and yours sucks, why can’t my kid get along with your kids, why do you always take your kids’ side?? We fight. If you are in a blended family, you do to. We do to this day, but less and less. I think I can help. Blended families are hard. There is help.

Log on to http://www.sdmomfia.com/ every two weeks to read more of Life in a Blender.

Blended Family Column

 It's published here - http://sdmomfia.com/2011/04/25/life-in-a-blender-living-in-a-blended-family/

I'm Pregnant

Close your mouth and read.  

If you read my blog you know I am just weeks away from earning my college degree. In a nutshell, I never really felt like I needed a degree to get ahead, but it bothered me that I didn't finish school and I think it is important to walk the walk with my teenage daughters. I have been a full time student since Feb 2009 with one month off ONLY during that time. No summers, no breaks, no time for vacations, etc. I did school work while on vacation at the river, while visiting my niece in Colorado, and missed a lot over the course of the last few years. I am not complaining, just saying there have been sacrifices. I have missed some kid stuff, some fun stuff, family time, etc.
Nine weeks until I turn in my last assignment, post, quiz, final paper, etc. Oh and if you don't know, I am an over achiever, so I have to get A's. I don't come undone often, but a bad grade is sure to send me over the edge. Needless to say they don't happen often. Donald survived....barely. He tried to "help", can you imagine a time less likely for me to accept help??
I never caught senioritis. I still want A's. I just can't accept anything except A's. Everyone has told me that towards the end I will stop caring. I have not. That being said, I am feeling antsy towards being done, combined with the need for great grades. I have said to a number of people, I hope I live to graduate. Silly of course because certainly I will. But I was unable to really get a handle on the exact feeling I am having until tonight when a friend posted something to me on Facebook.
I posted
Took almost an entire day away from the computer with the exception of school work. Got the patio more summer ready with color and greenery and I think I even relaxed for a little while. 9 weeks until school is over for me. I hope I live that long. It's getting hairy these days.
Great friend posted
You rock. You will do it with flying colors... Try to enjoy your success instead of trying to survive it! You have worked so hard. Take a little credit for your achievement.. I know you don't reward yourself but you need to pat yourself on the back!
Her post of encouragement made me think about being pregnant. Towards the end of my pregnancy with Sam (my oldest) I just wanted to survive. I was fat, tired, scared, unsure what to think, looking forward to a change while being intimidated at the same time. I also did not want to attend the birth of my child. I wanted her dearly, but I didn't want to be there to deliver her. Hello, that is the ultimate in scary (turns out it was easy and awesome).

I've concluded, I am pregnant with a degree. I'm fat, tired, scared, unsure of what this change means, and I don't want to attend graduation! I just want the degree. It's a two year plus pregnancy, I'm afraid I'll never lose the baby weight, that I won't be good enough to have such a great degree, and I have no idea what I will do with my time when I don't have school. Thanks for the deep thought Facebook friend.

This Blog

I have maintained a blog for a couple of years that some of you may have seen on Facebook or Twittter, or my email.  I am working to have my blog picked up by some larger sites and I am also working to launch a site dedicated to blended families, which many of us have experience with.   I have a column series launching later this month about strategies for success for blended families.  I will share links.  I am writing to ask you to share a link to your contacts and ask them to follow my blog so that I can foster my following.

 

Thanks so much for your support.  I hope you find my blog real, true, loving, funny, sincere, humble, open, and a work in progress,

Please comment - I love your comments no matter what - share the link!

]www.suzannecoleman.blogspot.com

Gratitude

A good friend of mine recently challenged her Facebook friends to find 1000 things they were grateful for.  That is a tall order.  I'm up for it, but for now, I think I'll find 100 and see where we can go from here.  Honestly this is in some order, but not "the" order.  So if you find yourself further down the list than you think you should be, don't sweat that stuff.  Some of the gratitude is very much in the moment as well, and therefor less big picture.  1000 will be way more granular, and I may never get there!  I'm at 30 and strgguling between big picture and granular stuff and how to rank them.  Wow how can I be so grateful and have such a tough time with this.  I'm still having trouble with big picture like family versus teeny picture like my kid....And I am at 48.  Going between 48 and 1000 where do you draw the line between I love my family and I am grateful there are no bugs in my bed?  For the record I am grateful there are no bugs in my bed even if it is at line 48ish.  I don't mean to make light, but where do you draw the line?  I think it is tough and I think my friend that made the challenge would have the same challenge.  Back to my work.  OK I gave up in the 70's.  1000 is HARD.

Quiet peace


Silence of my mind (more of a want that gratitude)

Freedom

Freedom of religion

The Military

Super intelligent people who need to find a way to lead

Love from my loves

Love that has no limits

www.suzannecoleman.blogspot.com

Well DUH of course I like my blog

My oldest daughter

My middle daughter

My youngest daughter

My son - even if he is angry with me

My fantastic supportive husband

Most of the kids seem to like me

Many wonderful friends

My wonderful parents

The connection I have with my Dad

The best Mother in Law

Friendly relationships

Sweet Parker Puppy

Nice kitties

Memories

Faith, even if I struggle

Peace, and the hope for less restlessness

Shared plans for the future

Time away

That I will graduate soon

My girls have good friends

Sports for the girls

Good grades for the girls

My good grades!

The opportunity to earn my degree

My work opportunities

Being uncomfortable because that's how I grow

Pajamas

Blogging as an outlet

Memories of grandparents, esp Papa

Gardening in my yard

Indoor home improvement

I graduate in May

I graduate with my best friend

Home/House

Resourcefulness

Kids that can do chores (finally)

OK, I love my Blackberry - it's not right but it is

Favorable tax returns

Outlook

Keywordmixer.com

Facebook

Blog sites that I like

Loud music when I am in the mood

The River

Vacations oh I miss you

Laughing with my vacation family

SNL - Some seasons

When my kids are successful

Technology

Learning new stuff

Love that I hate new home sales in 2011

My Starbucks thermal drinks

Fox news - Just saying

CNN - to be balanced

Sabrina - the movie

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

John Belushi

John Candy

Chris Farley

Phil Harrman

Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake - My Dick in a boc

Andy Samberg

Toonces the Driving Cat


Gratitude is so critical.  I don't know that I "get it" entirely, and I struggle sometimes, but I know it's all about wanting what you have than having what you want. 

I didn't get near 1000.  Share your comments.

Suzanne

I have a Dilemma - Share Your Opinion Please

Please tell me why I write blogs in the blog window online? Exactly how many posts will I need to lose due to fat fingers??

The answer, at least one freaking more and damn.

So I have a dilemma, and let's just say by dilemma, it's minor in the big picture. But I do have a decision to make. Believe me I have enormous fish to fry. So let's take on this minnow.

I started back to school in February of 2009. I aimed to earn my Bachelor of Science in Business Administration with a minor in Marketing, and I will finish in June of this year. It's been a battle. I have a very high GPA and I have worked my tail off. I have consistently shared with my girls that this is not the way to do college and that it is a very big deal to graduate. I truly feel that way, although I know I should have done so when I was young. Nonetheless, I have been an example to the girls, get your degree, and do it while you are young, and it's important. I get five tickets to commencement, I need more. I may be able to get them, I may not. My feeling is we all go, or none of us go, but I still have to decide if I want to go.

The dilemma. I have always made a big deal about graduation and walking in the ceremony. I am having second thoughts. So as a person that sees things very black and white, I find myself on the gray fence.

My Dad and Step Mom are coming out for graduation. They are very proud of me, and I love them for it. Because we live 3000 miles apart, we don't get to see one another the way I wish we could. So the visit is a treat. My kids adore time with them and I love time with them. Commencement will be 6 to 8 hours. Well probably 4 to 5 hours for my family, longer for me. This is to watch me walk across a stage for 2 seconds, get a fake diploma and listen to lame speaker. The more I think about it, the more I would rather spend the precious hours with my family.

The other side. My parents are super proud of me. Donald has lived with me for this time...he probably deserves a ceremony more than I. My Mother in Law has been my biggest fan, promising pom poms and fan fare just like she did for Donald. My best friend Charity is also graduating that day, in the same ceremony. So her family will be there. Our kids and families are close.

I really don't think I want to go. A ceremony doesn't change my hard work. It doesn't make me work any harder, because I always get great grades. I will still earn a degree with honors. So why am I still struggling? Help me out by sharing your comments.

A. Attend commencement

B. Skip and spend rare time with loved ones

C. Please explain the gray fence!

I Don't Have all the Answers

What?  I don't?  Yeah, I don't.  And although I pride myself on seeing things pretty black and white, with an ability to be on target with a plan....I find myself challenged.  To be fair, I am challenged on many levels.  We will discuss one here.

My youngest daughter is 11.  She is bright, socially accepted, loved by her teachers, liked by peers, given praise from leaders and fellow parents, gets good grades, and is an all around good kid.....BUT....yes, the big but....she fails to take responsibility for anything.

Five people in the house, she argues with four of us.  The fifth one is her and if she argued with that one, well, we have a different issue.  We all appreciate the art of negotiation....this kid...not so much.  We nail her on the inability to negotiate or take responsibility.  Guess what she does?  She fails to negotiate OR take responsibility.  

You can debate with this kid until you die.  She will not give in, she will not settle.  She will not see your way.  She will stay in her room as long as you demand.  She will say she gets it later.  But next time, she will be just the same.  

Advice.....how do you handle this kid?

The Way we Train our Kids

I'm sure I didn't invent any of the concepts I will talk about here.  My kids are 14, 13 and 11, all girls.  We have a blended family.   When my girls were younger, before I was remarried, I realized I trained the kids I had.  I think my girls were about six and three when I figured it out.  I had trained my kids that I only meant business by the time I asked the third time.  That I really meant what I said when I really yelled, not just raised my voice.   I got my way, every time, eventually.  The price was, I walked away feeling like I won by being the world's biggest jerk.

I trained the kids I had.  If it took six times to really get me to mean business, I guess I'd have kids that knew it took six times asking to really get them to do what I wanted.  If I asked and asked and never held them accountable, I guess they never would be.  We train the kids we have.  Parents who say they can't get their kids to do things have trained them not to do anything.  

I don't have perfect kids.  I have normal kids, they have issues, weaknesses and strengths.  However, I do know how to get results....most of the time.  I'm not a fool proof parent.  What I was lucky enough to learn when they were little is, I have control, not them, and if I allow them to take an inch, they will take a mile.  When I learned they did better with boundaries, even when it sucked for me, it was truly enlightening.  Any good parent knows it is WAY more difficult to be a good parent than a fun one.  Hopefully you love your kids enough to be a good parent.  The great news in my enlightenment was, I can be a good parent without walking away feeling like a jerk by setting boundaries. 

Years ago I used to have terrible mornings with the kids.  I nagged them to get up, yelled at them to get dressed, screamed when they weren't ready to get out the door at the right time.  I drove to work years ago feeling like a jerk daily.  I vowed to make it better, but day after day went the same.  Somehow things started to change.  I made the girls set alarms.  I made them accountable, without yelling.  They knew I would be more than happy to drive them to school in their PJ's and walk them in late and let them explain.  This was truly empowering.  I figured some of this out on my own, the rest came from my friend Shannon who offered me the Love and Consequences series of CD's.  I can't recall the author, but it was so simple and I'm sure a google search will yield the results.

The take away....give consequences with expectations and when the kid screws up, offer extreme sympathy but hold the line.  Example.  Kid needs to come home by 10 PM or the next night they must come home by 9.  Simple, you don't have to yell, you just set the scene.  Kid comes home at 10:15 PM.  You never yell, you never act upset.  Instead you say, Wow Kid, you came home late.  It is really going to suck when you have to be home even earlier tomorrow.  Your friends are going to be so bummed you have to leave even earlier.  I am so sorry that you have to go through that, your friends may tease you, that will be tough.   It sounds so lame, but on my word it works with kids of all ages. 

My kids were floored when I quit yelling.  I stopped feeling like the world's biggest jerk.  It took years to really hone it and I still have my days, but I am telling you.....it will amaze you.

Never Buy a Samsung Dryer

Will this be my funniest post, no.  Will it be interesting, not nearly as others about my crazy kids, birthdays or pets.  Do I have to write it, YES.  This one is about justice.

We bought a Samsung dryer in January of 2010.  If you know Donald you know he does his homework when we make the bigger purchases.  I tend to go less expensive, he pushes me to spend more, but always finds the best deal.  This is exactly what happened with the dryer.  I took a trip to Lowe's and Home Depot, he did some research and found our dryer at Sears for the best price.  Now here is where I fault the salesperson.  A salesperson should have the facts before they sell something.  I know retail stores have ridiculous budgets, pay next to nothing and training is relegated to a rep that may or may not exist.  I will rephrase that, I guess I can't blame the salesperson if they didn't have the facts, but I am done with Sears.  I was done with them before, but they did have a good deal.  No, I am done.

Here is what we and the salesperson did not know.  I'm going to presume the salesperson didn't know because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.   We never buy the extended warranty.  It's a total rip off, most of the time.  The two we have bought never panned out, but I do know a few people they have worked well for.  I always have faith that the things I buy will work more than 3 years.  What was I thinking?  So the dryer died last week.  Powers on, but won't work.  My handy dandy Donald took the back off and promptly diagnosed a frayed belt and proclaimed a cheap repair was to be had.

This brings me to my last appliance repair guy, found on Kudzu with good reviews.  He came to fix the last dryer we had, charged us $70 and it worked for about 3 days and then died for good.   In his defense, he warned us it could happen.  On a side note, I recommended him to a good friend and he didn't do a very good job, so he is off the list so to speak.  However, that same good friend found a good repair guy.  I was happy to have her recommendation.  Donald called the referral and he informed us that Samsung only uses authorized repair people and wished us good luck because we were gonna get reamed.

That repair guy was psychic because when we called La Mesa Appliance Repair they were more than happy to send a guy out and we did get reamed.  He walked in the door, informed me the trip charge was $69.95, and labor for the belt would be just over $130.  My husband had already taken the back off of the dryer...so he should have actually charged us half, but that's just me being snotty.  The belt was $22.  He was here 5 minutes, no lie, and he did not put the dryer back together.  It took me longer to write the check than it did for him to put the belt on.

That same week I heard Samsung shipped a bunch of laptops with keystroke tracking software.  So hopefully that and my mighty blog will deal them a blow from which they have difficulty overcoming.  HA

My Sweetheart

It's my sweetheart's birthday on April 3rd.  He's not feeling well so he went to bed, so I thought I would take this opportunity to write his birthday blog.   Donald and I have been married four years as most people know.  He is my third husband, as most people know.  He is also my favorite husband, as is most obvious by his wonderful demeanor, patience, love of our family, and so many other things.  He is a real man who understands what is truly important in this life.  I thank God for him every day.

Before we got married Donald I and ventured to the river a few times with the kids.  I will never forget the first trip we took to Parker with friends.  Donald grew up as a desert person and he rode his waverunner in the ocean.  The river was a new experience.  He had met some of the friends and many of the neighbors, but they had never been to the river with him.  Donald was literally a fish out of water when he busted out his waverunner gear.  When you are at the river, you wear a life jacket and you jump on your runner and go.  Donald, on the other hand, had booties, a rash guard, waterproof safe for paperwork, all the bells and whistles.  Everyone was good natured about it, and Donald laughed at himself.  He still takes way too much precautions in anchoring the boats, but he also has to deal with people like me, who constantly loses anchors to the bottom of the river.  I also run him over when we load the boats on the trailer, and he never gets angry.  If you read this, ask him about the time he burned the hair off his arms lighting a BBQ at the river.

Donald is an amazing Dad.  He has a capacity for love that has no boundaries.  He loves the girls at their best and at their worst all the same.  He has a strong shoulder for them to lean on and a hard line they cannot cross.  He is loving, but disciplined.  Caring, but not a door mat.  He is a young man's biggest challenge.   He is the girls' champion and advocate.  He supports all of their efforts and always go the extra mile for them.  He spends many weekends mostly devoted to their activities.   He enforces the rules with love and consequences.  He just about never raises his voice.  These girls will no doubt look back upon their childhood with respect and love towards this wonderful Father.  Not all Dads can go to bed at night with that kind of confidence.  Donald can, even if he doesn't know it.  During the years he was in school. he missed some of their activities.   He has more than made up for those years.  I hope to do the same.

Donald hates cats.  Oh wait, except the three he built an entire 14 ft high, 30 foot long catwalk for...he hates the rest of cats.  Oh wait, except the outside cats he helps feed and tame.  Yeah, the rest of cats.  Oh wait, except the cats of friends he pets.  Yeah, the rest of cats.  Oh wait, except the shelter cats he entertains when he services their account and sends me pictures of to make me jealous.  So, the rest of cats, those are the ones he hates.   So basically he likes cats.

Donald can fix anything, which is really good because I break a lot of stuff.  Years ago I put my ass through a wall (literally) and he fixed it.  He laughed his ass off, but he fixed it.  He fixes appliances, furniture, computers, walls.....The best part is, when he knows he is out of his league, he has no issue calling a professional!  He makes sure the cars are serviced, the yard is taken care of and household projects happen without me....because I screw stuff up!  I break stuff, he fixes stuff....a match made in heaven.

We have so many funny stories and inside jokes.  I cherish them.  The bathroom at Ross, lime in the eye, the Corona bottle, bacon, what??...I could go on.   Donald you are a wonderful partner and friend.  I am as lucky as anyone could be.  I think the world of you and thank God every day that you are in my life and the lives of our girls.