The Way we Train our Kids

I'm sure I didn't invent any of the concepts I will talk about here.  My kids are 14, 13 and 11, all girls.  We have a blended family.   When my girls were younger, before I was remarried, I realized I trained the kids I had.  I think my girls were about six and three when I figured it out.  I had trained my kids that I only meant business by the time I asked the third time.  That I really meant what I said when I really yelled, not just raised my voice.   I got my way, every time, eventually.  The price was, I walked away feeling like I won by being the world's biggest jerk.

I trained the kids I had.  If it took six times to really get me to mean business, I guess I'd have kids that knew it took six times asking to really get them to do what I wanted.  If I asked and asked and never held them accountable, I guess they never would be.  We train the kids we have.  Parents who say they can't get their kids to do things have trained them not to do anything.  

I don't have perfect kids.  I have normal kids, they have issues, weaknesses and strengths.  However, I do know how to get results....most of the time.  I'm not a fool proof parent.  What I was lucky enough to learn when they were little is, I have control, not them, and if I allow them to take an inch, they will take a mile.  When I learned they did better with boundaries, even when it sucked for me, it was truly enlightening.  Any good parent knows it is WAY more difficult to be a good parent than a fun one.  Hopefully you love your kids enough to be a good parent.  The great news in my enlightenment was, I can be a good parent without walking away feeling like a jerk by setting boundaries. 

Years ago I used to have terrible mornings with the kids.  I nagged them to get up, yelled at them to get dressed, screamed when they weren't ready to get out the door at the right time.  I drove to work years ago feeling like a jerk daily.  I vowed to make it better, but day after day went the same.  Somehow things started to change.  I made the girls set alarms.  I made them accountable, without yelling.  They knew I would be more than happy to drive them to school in their PJ's and walk them in late and let them explain.  This was truly empowering.  I figured some of this out on my own, the rest came from my friend Shannon who offered me the Love and Consequences series of CD's.  I can't recall the author, but it was so simple and I'm sure a google search will yield the results.

The take away....give consequences with expectations and when the kid screws up, offer extreme sympathy but hold the line.  Example.  Kid needs to come home by 10 PM or the next night they must come home by 9.  Simple, you don't have to yell, you just set the scene.  Kid comes home at 10:15 PM.  You never yell, you never act upset.  Instead you say, Wow Kid, you came home late.  It is really going to suck when you have to be home even earlier tomorrow.  Your friends are going to be so bummed you have to leave even earlier.  I am so sorry that you have to go through that, your friends may tease you, that will be tough.   It sounds so lame, but on my word it works with kids of all ages. 

My kids were floored when I quit yelling.  I stopped feeling like the world's biggest jerk.  It took years to really hone it and I still have my days, but I am telling you.....it will amaze you.